Job WANTED

I've got 25 years communication experience. I can be honest, I can tell you your butt doesn't look big, I can fib and beat around the bush as well as make a point. I can give advice, persuade, poke fun, speak when spoken to, and not when spoken to at all. I can even communicate without words because this body has an awful lot to say. Some of which may not be work appropriate. 

I am also fluent in bullshit. 

I can sew a button or duvet, or anything you need. I make coffee, or tea, cook, clean, organize, feed and water plants or animals or even you, if that is what you are in to. 

I can build it, if you need it built. I can find it if you need it found. I can create, stuff  fabricate, divine and in any other way come up with whatever it is you need. Maybe you don't know what you need. I can make the Earth so flat as a map and comb it over with a three tined comb until I reach the end, turn it upside down and start over again until I figure out what it is you require. 

I guess what I mean to say is I can do whatever it is. I can solve it, wash it, stick it, drill it, cut it, bend it, break it, fix it.

I know a bit about astronomy and astrology. I can read your stars, explain your sign but I warn you, they haven't done a thing for me. 

I can tell a joke, just one, and not very well but I can make up for it by listening to yours. 

I can dance when moved to, I can sing and on occasion hit the right note but never if you are listening. 

I can type faster than many and enjoy it more than most. I can fax, print, copy, sort, alphabetize, answer calls and be the best office tool you had and never realized you needed or how you could live without. 

I don't need sick days, unless I'm sick. I'm great with people except when I'm not and I'm good at remembering except when I don't. 

I can be firmer than necessary if it is actually necessary. I can pick a fight, stop a fight, pause a fight, win a fight and avoid a fight without breaking a sweat but I may crack a smile. 

I'm a bit of a Renaissance man, or woman as the case is. I don't mind getting dirty and I clean up well. And if you are willing to part with that CHANCE you are holding on to, I'd be more than willing to take it.