Monday, January 11, 2010

I'd start a revolution if I could get up in the morning.

a very good friend asked me, as a slip of the tongue, what my new years resolutions were. I've been thinking about that for a while. Not thinking about it in a life or death, or even cake or death sort of way, but more a back of the mind, that kind of itches but my arm is asleep, sort of way.

A revolution may just be what I've been needing. No, I am not planning to overthrow any governments. I tried to rule an island once in a high school experiment. the native islanders didn't like us and my people wanted Jock McMeathead to rule instead. So I am not the person to be mixing it up in the government.

I mean a different kind of revolution. The "drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving" kind of revolution. Perhaps that is why all those years before, the promises made every January 1st, were always broken by January 2nd. It wasn't drastic enough. It wasn't a change of behaving, it was a lame attempt at making myself feel better for not having accomplished anything I promised the year before.

I don't really believe in the whole resolution thing. I never really have. Pie crust promises, all of them. "Easily made and easily broken," says Mary Poppins. (I have never made a traditional pie crust, but the store bought ones are very easily made. Very much manufactured like most resolutions.)

I think it is nagging at me that I haven't made any promises to myself about what this year should be because I don't know what it should be. I do know that I am 25 in a few days, have a degree no one finds useful, even me, and a crap job that has given me 9 hours total next week.

I've started those questions. You know? The what if ones.
"If I live to be 50, I'll be middle aged this year. What does that say about my life?" One of my responses being, that I should have taken better care of myself if I only live to fifty. But then
I question the freak accident that kills me at fifty. The indoor luge and avocado incident.

All the planning is dealing in futures and If I learned anything from 2007 it was there is no future, only now. I have yet to take action and do anything about only having a now. We humans make plans, we think about the house we are saving for, the car we can't get until we hit the mid-life crisis, the vacations we will take when we retire. This is someone else's life. Someone else plotted this out and claimed it was the one thing we all wanted, imprinted us with it since childhood, and sent us on our way to strive for a life and lifestyle that we know won't make us happy. But that is what we are to do. Because that is the way it is done.

This is my revolution, the change I have been afraid to make: I am going to be happy in each day. I am no longer going to treat myself like the enemy. The plans I have put on hold will not be held any longer because of someone else. My life is not someone else's to live and it is time I take hold of it.

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